Hello Sweets!
Have you ever wondered why your parents are the way they are today or what made them that way? Have you ever said to your parents or wanted to ask, “Do you remember what it was like to be my age?” Have you taken a good look at them and then back at yourself and said, “I will never treat my children the way my parents treat me!” or “I don’t want to be like you when I’m your age?” Or something along those lines? I know I have certainly said those lines over and over again through the years.
By reading some of my previous posts, you can get an idea of the relationship I have with my parents. I don’t hate them, and I certainly do not wish harm to them, but I know I do not want to make the same choices they have made, especially in the parenting and financial areas. In fact, my biggest fear is that I might one day become my mother. That I may act and be in the same situation as my mother. Please understand that I love my mother and she is not the wicked evil witch of the west or something. My mother can be really kind and giving but I do not want to be in her situation when I am her age. This really scares me! Recently, in my attempts to make sure I don’t take the road she traveled, I’ve discovered a shocking truth….
In all of my current attempts to not be like my mother, I am slowly and unknowingly traveling the same road. What I am doing is not working. What do I do now?
My mother was a hardworking women. She raised three children, all with different success rates, and has been through a number of tough times in her life while managing to hang on to life and hope! In her current years of life, she is disabled and is fighting keeping her diabetes at bay, while also dealing with a number of other health issues. She is not close to her family and my other siblings never really come around unless they need something from her. But to give my siblings some credit, they do give her a phone call on most major holidays and her birthday! My mother comes across as a nice and short God fearing elderly woman but she has a few more concepts to grasp, much like us all.
My mother has a lot of scars caused my her past and truly she has not let them heal, thus making her the person she is today. A family member shared some information about my mother with me. This family member told me my mother was very ambitious. She wanted to sing, play sports, have great relationships, and go to college and make something of herself. This family member watched her leave her dreams behind when she had a baby (my brother) and later drop out of college. After she left college, she dove into working and never went back for an education, nor pursued any of her dreams. I sort of knew something like this story happened to my mother going on some of the things she shared with me as I was growing up, but I did not know how it felt to be in her situation. I did not know the pain that this could cause some one because my mother was always so strong in my presence, even when she would share some of her young adult desires. When I share my young adult desires with her… she demands that I go to work. Get a job and help her out. No wonder… Now at living in her mid 50’s, my mother feels she has nothing to show for all those years of working hard and getting by. This family member told me they believe my mother is very bitter. She is Angry with the lot she drew in life and failed to do anything with it. Instead of addressing her anger and getting help, the anger festered and became Rage and when the rage couldn’t be exercised in a healthy manner…it evolved into Bitterness.
Finishing college is a big dream of mine. No one in my immediate family has done so. I desire to sing, become a great actress, write, become amazing in Judoka and find a job I enjoy so it never feels like I’m working a day in my life. I do know that in life you don’t always get what you want but I would certainly like to achieve at least one of those desires!
For the past few weeks, my heart has been heavy with the weight of possibly not being about to attend college. Acting wouldn’t suffer without college but the vocal support and training I am receiving is much needed for success in the classical realm of singing. I need to develop better technique so the instrument I am blessed with won’t blow out within the next 20 years of my life, leaving me to sound like the old church choir soprano whose vibrato are the ropes in a game of double-dutch in slow motion. (No offense! I love you all!) Without consist training and practice, I can lose one of the things I enjoy most! Thinking about all this makes me extremely unhappy! I am not fun to be around anymore and I am quickly becoming a “Negative Nancy.” Everything that I am doing is not working! I am tired of the rejection and tired of the struggle….because the struggle is real!!!
A very special person in my life sat down with me recently and gave me a bowl of honesty soup. They were extremely kind to me without sugar coating what I really needed to hear. In this conversation, one of the truths they revealed is that I have always tried to take matters into my hands without completely trusting God. This maybe why I am depressed and about to pull my hair out, because I am literally no longer in control. I feel this is true! I am freaking out because no matter what I do I become stuck. Every end feels jammed up and every door seems closed! Shalandra can not do a darn thing! Only God can! Even if you don’t believe in God, you know that sitting around and sobbing about your issues when you can’t do anything is pointless, and you know in that situation it is about time to get another attitude and pick yourself up! You’ve done all that you can do!
The next day, I had a phone conversation with another special person in my life and in that conversation this person just let me talk and talk. In doing so, I said…
“If feel like this is the time in life when it should be the easiest. This is the time when it should be easy to attend college while youth is on my side. Why do I have to struggle so hard? I am only Twenty-Two!” This person responded, “It sounds like you have a lot of anger.” And of course I agreed. “I AM VERY ANGRY! I don’t understand. I do feel a little bitterness too…”
The conversation went on, but I didn’t need to go any further. Once I heard Bitterness leave my mouth, my mind instantly went back to when that word was used to describe my mother. Then it all fell in place.
My mother had dreams and ambitions, but life’s circumstances hit her very hard. I’m sure she fought to get back on track but somewhere down the line her focus changed. Her ambitions and drive died, and she did the best she could do to get by. Her what was thought to be postponed dreams were now dead fantasies. The pain then began to morph to whatever she needed it to be so that she could continue living. She pushed dealing with the pain to the back burner and now it has manifested into pure bitterness and hurt. Though she is reaching for God now, she didn’t back then. She didn’t pray for God to ease her heart and help her accept his will for her. Even now, she does not know (Or admits aloud) that her past still affects her till this day.
I am in the phase of life that will determine the type of person I will be down the road of life. This is the time in life that can make me or break me. Now is the time for me to learn from the unspoken words of my mother so I will not be her. When I look in the mirror, I do not want to see her staring back at me. I want to see who God wants me to be! I am very fortunate, because not many people get this chance to see the road a head before traveling it. Right now, I can make better choices that can ensure that I do not becoming my mother.
One day, I want to be able to make her final years on this earth better than her previous years. I want to give back to my mother and let her know that it is never too late! I want her to have hope and joy again, not just in God but also in the world that God has created! I want her smile to be a joyful smile and not just a smile that she feels she has to wear in order to keep people from knowing she is hurting. I have to take advantage of this time in my life and handle these issues much better than my mother has. Though I know the seed of bitterness is planted within me, it is time for me to dig it up and through it away. I do not want everyone in my life to suffer because of my bitterness and pain.
I hope you will do the same. I hope you can be honest with yourself and address what you really need to change in your life. If you are afraid of becoming like the elders in your life, then pay attention to their lives and learn from their mistakes. That is probably a reason why they are in your life…to learn from them! You don’t have to be just like your parents or guardians. You can be better! I truly believe this! Talk to them and learn. I know it is hard, especially if you don’t want to talk to them, but it may save your life. The road is not easy! I have a lot more to work on as well, but gotta start some where, right?
I share this information with you with the hope that maybe you can get something from my story. I don’t want people to make the same mistakes as I do, and I want to help in anyway that I can. I do not claim to have all the answers and I do not claim to be the Ole Wisest One! I do generally care for people regardless if they care for me!
Cling to your faith and Carpe Diem! ❤
VirtualRoyality 